I started my journey away from Utah with a cup of hot chocolate from City Cakes and Cafe. My barista, Emily, decided to write me a message to send me on my way. There might be a grammar error on the cup, but the sentiment is what matters in this instance.
Negative phrases deliver message opposite of what is intended
Any really good salesperson knows not to put an idea in a buyer’s mind by using a negative to describe a product. For example, when selling Hyundai vehicles, the salesperson should never say, “Well, it’s not a Maserati, but it will get you from Point A to Point B.” This gets the person thinking about the qualities that a Maserati has that Hyundai doesn’t, and then the person wants to buy a Maserati and not the Hyundai because of the unfavorable comparison. Unless the salesperson also happens to sell Maserati, chances are that the person will walk off the lot without a new vehicle.
One of the problems with trying to quit an addiction is that all too often people focus on not doing the thing they are trying to avoid. By repeating things like “I am not going to have a drink,” “I am not going to look at porn” or I am not going to do something,” the addiction becomes the focus of the person’s mind. A far better way to deal with addiction, and most programs will provide a way to learn this, is to create situations where the addict does not think about the addiction.
That means avoiding the situations when the addiction is used and learning to replace the addiction with something else. For example, a person addicted to alcohol shouldn’t go into a bar. If he or she does, then that person should order a non-alcoholic beverage. “I will not have a scotch” is different to the mind than “I will have a Sprite with grenadine.”
The same thing is true in interpersonal communication. People who say things in a positive manner are more likely to get what they want or avoid situations that they do not want. Coming home late at night, the first words out of a husband’s mouth should be something like, “I was at the bar with my friends – Matt, John and Dave.” Saying something like, “It’s not like I was out with another woman” just puts the idea of another women into the wife’s mind.
The most common ways that these negative phrases come up usually involve a disclaimer. Phrases like “I’m not a racist, but…,” “I don’t mean to be rude, but…” or “I don’t want to be the bearer of bad news, but…,” generally insure that the next phrase out of that person’s mouth will be the exact thing that they have professed not wanting it to be. These phrases should be stricken from everyone’s vocabulary. People who say these phrases should stop before the phrase that comes after the “but” or they face the problem of looking like a butt. Saying things out of love and honest should be everyone’s goal. Getting rid of these phrases is just a start.
One of the problems with trying to quit an addiction is that all too often people focus on not doing the thing they are trying to avoid. By repeating things like “I am not going to have a drink,” “I am not going to look at porn” or I am not going to do something,” the addiction becomes the focus of the person’s mind. A far better way to deal with addiction, and most programs will provide a way to learn this, is to create situations where the addict does not think about the addiction.
That means avoiding the situations when the addiction is used and learning to replace the addiction with something else. For example, a person addicted to alcohol shouldn’t go into a bar. If he or she does, then that person should order a non-alcoholic beverage. “I will not have a scotch” is different to the mind than “I will have a Sprite with grenadine.”
The same thing is true in interpersonal communication. People who say things in a positive manner are more likely to get what they want or avoid situations that they do not want. Coming home late at night, the first words out of a husband’s mouth should be something like, “I was at the bar with my friends – Matt, John and Dave.” Saying something like, “It’s not like I was out with another woman” just puts the idea of another women into the wife’s mind.
The most common ways that these negative phrases come up usually involve a disclaimer. Phrases like “I’m not a racist, but…,” “I don’t mean to be rude, but…” or “I don’t want to be the bearer of bad news, but…,” generally insure that the next phrase out of that person’s mouth will be the exact thing that they have professed not wanting it to be. These phrases should be stricken from everyone’s vocabulary. People who say these phrases should stop before the phrase that comes after the “but” or they face the problem of looking like a butt. Saying things out of love and honest should be everyone’s goal. Getting rid of these phrases is just a start.