The PizzaGate Scandal: An American Success Story
This really happened!
2 high school dropouts were sitting on the front porch with their BB guns and beers shooting at nothing but the breeze. As they talked, they heard something in the house, which was strange because they thought they were the only 2 at home. The grabbed their BB guns and went inside to investigate because, in their words “F--- 9-1-1, man! That’s a government cover-up!”
The wandered around the home, heard the noise in their game room and went down to the basement to investigate. There they found their mom, who was in the process of destroying their video games. “MOM!” They shouted in unison.
They were powerless to stop the wanton destruction and watched as all their hours of successes became shards of plastic. They sat around for days crying and shouting about the injustice of it all, but their lamentations fell on deaf ears.
“Wouldn’t it be great if there was some sort of security system that could lock out the people you don’t want in a room?” asked 1 of the dropouts.
“Yeah, then mom wouldn’t have been able to destroy our video games and computer.”
“We should invent something.”
They worked long and hard at coming up with an idea. They took one of their little sister’s dolls out to the garage. They modified it – putting a webcam in its eyes and a biometrics reader they had found at the local junkyard (at least, that’s what the junkyard guy said it was, and it looked like something they had seen on the Internet, so it must be true) in the dolls stomach. The webcam would read the person: the biometrics machine would verify the person’s identity. They knew they had something, but they also needed a company and product name.
“It’s kind of like a firewall.”
“Yeah, but not really because a wall keeps things out and in. This only keeps certain people out; it lets others in.”
“So a door?”
“But you can’t see through a door. I GOT IT! It’s a gate! Like one of those baby gates that keeps baby’s out or in because they are too stupid to climb over them!”
“We have a doll that scans and our company name is a Gate… Hmm… There’s something missing…”
“That’s the truth… How ‘bout we add our favorite food to the front of the name?”
They agreed. A new corporation was formed: PizzaGate. And because they weren’t very good at spelling, its first product was the Scandal. They sold millions of people on the idea and that’s how the PizzaGate Scandal became an American success story.
By J.K. Fakenews
2 high school dropouts were sitting on the front porch with their BB guns and beers shooting at nothing but the breeze. As they talked, they heard something in the house, which was strange because they thought they were the only 2 at home. The grabbed their BB guns and went inside to investigate because, in their words “F--- 9-1-1, man! That’s a government cover-up!”
The wandered around the home, heard the noise in their game room and went down to the basement to investigate. There they found their mom, who was in the process of destroying their video games. “MOM!” They shouted in unison.
They were powerless to stop the wanton destruction and watched as all their hours of successes became shards of plastic. They sat around for days crying and shouting about the injustice of it all, but their lamentations fell on deaf ears.
“Wouldn’t it be great if there was some sort of security system that could lock out the people you don’t want in a room?” asked 1 of the dropouts.
“Yeah, then mom wouldn’t have been able to destroy our video games and computer.”
“We should invent something.”
They worked long and hard at coming up with an idea. They took one of their little sister’s dolls out to the garage. They modified it – putting a webcam in its eyes and a biometrics reader they had found at the local junkyard (at least, that’s what the junkyard guy said it was, and it looked like something they had seen on the Internet, so it must be true) in the dolls stomach. The webcam would read the person: the biometrics machine would verify the person’s identity. They knew they had something, but they also needed a company and product name.
“It’s kind of like a firewall.”
“Yeah, but not really because a wall keeps things out and in. This only keeps certain people out; it lets others in.”
“So a door?”
“But you can’t see through a door. I GOT IT! It’s a gate! Like one of those baby gates that keeps baby’s out or in because they are too stupid to climb over them!”
“We have a doll that scans and our company name is a Gate… Hmm… There’s something missing…”
“That’s the truth… How ‘bout we add our favorite food to the front of the name?”
They agreed. A new corporation was formed: PizzaGate. And because they weren’t very good at spelling, its first product was the Scandal. They sold millions of people on the idea and that’s how the PizzaGate Scandal became an American success story.
By J.K. Fakenews