Transformers: Age of ExSTINKtion
The best thing about this film is the second song after the credits start to roll. Other than that Michael Bay’s Transformers: Age of Extinction is a convoluted, messy, plot hole filled, Deus ex Machina film that has no heart, spark or any real character development.
Because this is supposed to be the blockbuster of the summer, movie goers aren’t supposed to care too much about plot, dialogue or characters apparently. The plot holes are so big, that in Alaska they would be known as tire eaters for the dump trucks that they use in large scale mining operations. These holes are so large that Optimus Prime could fly through them, but only if he felt like it and it was near the end of the film. They are so large that the Dinobots could run through them together like they used to do in the cartoon, except for the stegosaur who was replaced and who only got see his tail remain as the triceratops took it into battle.
Bay could have been forgiven for these plot holes if he would have remained faithful to the rules of the world that this movie is supposed to be set in. It is a film about cars that transform into robots and shoot lasers. Yet, it is even more unbelievable than it should be.
Mark Wahlberg plays an incredibly ripped inventor/father who wears glasses to look smarter, never actually removes his shirt and ends up with a gun that can take out the bad guy, who is not a Decepticon and not a human being. Great for casting an athletic inventor and not stereotyping, but please, if you are going to make that call and give Wahlberg this role, at least give him a script and some dialogue that doesn’t sound like it came straight from a bad pulp fiction novel.
I would guess that Bay took one look at the script and fed it to Grimlock. Really, a script is just a guideline anyway. The actors could have probably come up with better lines if they had improvised the entire movie. John Goodman was stuck being the annoying character who is supposed to be the good guy but really you don’t care you just want him off the screen. Unfortunately, there was another annoying character that was killed, so doing it twice in one movie was probably the only thing deemed overkill.
Really this film was an exercise in doing everything just because it could be done. Autobots fight humans, Autobots fight each other, Autobots fight a mercenary from space, Autobots fight the next wave of Decepticons that are supposed to be advance and transform like the liquid metal T-1000 but don’t actually use that advantage in the last battle, Decepticons fight humans, dinobots fight Optimus Prime, humans fight humans, humans fight the mercenary guy and his minions, and the mercenary guy fights everyone. You can’t tell the players without a program.
The Dinobots don’t show up until later. Optimus Prime has incredible healing powers if he passes a truck he can scan. Humans with a sword that shoots lasers, like the one Dargo carried in Farscape, are more than a match for metal robot aliens. The list of things wrong with this film is epic. Can’t wait until someone counts the movie sins. (That YouTube video will probably be two hours long.)
If you want crappy, stilted dialogue, a movie that is not cohesive even on its own terms, and to watch something that goes so far as to be unbelievable in a bad way, Transformers: Age of Extinction is for you. Otherwise, stay away from this mess and spend your money on something worthwhile, which might just be anything else in the theaters right now, including The Fault in Our Stars, Maleficent, and 22 Jump Street. Even Edge of Tomorrow deserves your patronage more than this sulfur smelling stinker.