How to destroy the planet without really trying
1. Believe the climate deniers.
If you watch any kind of right wing news, you know that global warming is a scam used to keep the man down. That’s right. Harmless capitalists, usually in the guise of oil and gas industry experts, know that the 97 percent of scientists, who believe that global warming is a thing and it is man-made, are just part of a larger conspiracy to keep the fossil fuel industries and other polluters from increasing their already ridiculous profit margins on a resource that is running out. Of course, the other three percent must be right. Denying global warming is as easy as going outside and collecting a snowball to show all of your government friends.
2. Embrace coal, oil, gas and nuclear energy.
These are just a few poor corporations trying to make a buck. Drive as much as you can and eschew ride shares and public transportation. While coal, oil and gas contribute to the immediate problems of the planet, nuclear waste is around forever, or at least so long that no one will care or remember what is buried where. Besides, you can just put a warning on the burial site – it worked for Tutankhamen.
3. Consume!
Buy everything and anything possible and be an early adopter of everything. If you owned a Betamax, laserdisc and VHS, you are doing it right. If you have purchased every version of the iPhone, good job. If you eat meat, you aren’t eating enough. Cows are responsible for the largest amount of the greenhouse gas methane. Beef also has to be driven from the pasture to the slaughterhouse to the butcher and then to the grocery store. If you drive a gas guzzler to buy your beef from the store, nice work. The point here is to consume in Mass Quantities!
Because the planet will shake us off like a bad case of fleas (NSFW), you may look at trying to make life unbearable for the people on the planet.
4. Everyone wants to take your stuff from you – including stuff you don’t have, yet.
The American Dream tells us that we can all earn millions of dollars and join the one percent in their mansions in whatever tax shelter they are using. While math explains that not everyone can be in the one percent, it only does so because it is trying to keep you down from your personal fortune. Raising taxes on the rich will raise taxes on you when you get to be rich, and the government wants to take away your wealth before you make any. The government wants your guns, your cars, your brainwaves and your precious bodily fluids – beware of fluoride. Everyone is out to steal the stuff you own and the stuff you do not yet own. Look out.
5. Remember everyone is getting more than you; resent them for it.
Food stamps, welfare, Obamacare… They are all designed to make sure that someone is getting something that you aren’t eligible. They are getting more for you, and that is not just. You may have enough food, a place to live, and the means to pay for health insurance, but why should the freeloaders of the world get those things, too. It’s not like they are creating jobs or contributing in any positive way to America. If you don’t get any help, no one else should either.
6. Embrace Hate.
The more you hate, the more you will lose your soul. Every time that you use hate against someone, you lose empathy for people. Empathy is a skill, and it must be practiced. Hate feeds on itself and destroys the humanity of the one doing the hating. But hey, what has a soul done for you anyway, aside from open automatic doors. Remove all traces of your humanity, look out for #1 and stomp on or tear down the other guy regardless of his position.
If you watch any kind of right wing news, you know that global warming is a scam used to keep the man down. That’s right. Harmless capitalists, usually in the guise of oil and gas industry experts, know that the 97 percent of scientists, who believe that global warming is a thing and it is man-made, are just part of a larger conspiracy to keep the fossil fuel industries and other polluters from increasing their already ridiculous profit margins on a resource that is running out. Of course, the other three percent must be right. Denying global warming is as easy as going outside and collecting a snowball to show all of your government friends.
2. Embrace coal, oil, gas and nuclear energy.
These are just a few poor corporations trying to make a buck. Drive as much as you can and eschew ride shares and public transportation. While coal, oil and gas contribute to the immediate problems of the planet, nuclear waste is around forever, or at least so long that no one will care or remember what is buried where. Besides, you can just put a warning on the burial site – it worked for Tutankhamen.
3. Consume!
Buy everything and anything possible and be an early adopter of everything. If you owned a Betamax, laserdisc and VHS, you are doing it right. If you have purchased every version of the iPhone, good job. If you eat meat, you aren’t eating enough. Cows are responsible for the largest amount of the greenhouse gas methane. Beef also has to be driven from the pasture to the slaughterhouse to the butcher and then to the grocery store. If you drive a gas guzzler to buy your beef from the store, nice work. The point here is to consume in Mass Quantities!
Because the planet will shake us off like a bad case of fleas (NSFW), you may look at trying to make life unbearable for the people on the planet.
4. Everyone wants to take your stuff from you – including stuff you don’t have, yet.
The American Dream tells us that we can all earn millions of dollars and join the one percent in their mansions in whatever tax shelter they are using. While math explains that not everyone can be in the one percent, it only does so because it is trying to keep you down from your personal fortune. Raising taxes on the rich will raise taxes on you when you get to be rich, and the government wants to take away your wealth before you make any. The government wants your guns, your cars, your brainwaves and your precious bodily fluids – beware of fluoride. Everyone is out to steal the stuff you own and the stuff you do not yet own. Look out.
5. Remember everyone is getting more than you; resent them for it.
Food stamps, welfare, Obamacare… They are all designed to make sure that someone is getting something that you aren’t eligible. They are getting more for you, and that is not just. You may have enough food, a place to live, and the means to pay for health insurance, but why should the freeloaders of the world get those things, too. It’s not like they are creating jobs or contributing in any positive way to America. If you don’t get any help, no one else should either.
6. Embrace Hate.
The more you hate, the more you will lose your soul. Every time that you use hate against someone, you lose empathy for people. Empathy is a skill, and it must be practiced. Hate feeds on itself and destroys the humanity of the one doing the hating. But hey, what has a soul done for you anyway, aside from open automatic doors. Remove all traces of your humanity, look out for #1 and stomp on or tear down the other guy regardless of his position.