The gReat Cow Escape
“Hey, Carl, where are we going?”
“You know how it is with these guys, Joe. They never tell us where we’re going. They just hop on their horses, crack their whips, shout ‘YEEHAAAW,’ and herd us around like they own us.” The two steers got crowded closer together. Carl looked up at the sun high in the sky. “It’s not time to go back to the barn yet, so we must be going to GREENER PASTURES, BABY!” The other cows that were crowding around them now mooed in anticipation of better grass to chew.
“I don’t know, Carl. This feels different. We don’t usually get this crowded when we go to greener pastures…”
“Joe, stop worrying. We’re going to eat like kings.”
Joe could tell that Carl was going into his green pasture food daydream, so he pondered the possibilities on his own. The herd got closer and closer together. They stepped on each other until one or the other gave way. “Hey, Carl,” Joe shouted, “I don’t remember there being any bars when we went to new pastures before.” Then he looked up at the dark gaping hole in front of him. Part of the herd had already disappeared into its maw. “Carl! I don’t like this.”
“Relax, Joe. When was the last time that those guys did something harmful to us?”
Joe thought back to the day of his branding. Thrown down, tied up and having fire applied to his rump was not his idea of something not harmful.
The entire herd was shoved into the dark metal cave. A door was closed behind them, making it that much darker. “Hey, who farted?”
All of the steers snickered.
One steer shouted, “Hey! We are cows – largest source of methane on the planet!”
Joe tried to shake his head but found the quarters too cramped to do anything but breathe and shuffle back and forth a little. There was a loud roar and the ground shook under them. “Carl! What’s going on?”
“I don’t know, Joe.”
There was a general lowing of fear as the ground seemed to move under the herd. “I can tell you what’s going on…”
Joe looked around. “Who said that?”
“I did.” A mouse scurried out from under the hay that lay on the ground.
“Who are you?”
“I, fine sir, am Thaddeus Montgomery Garfield, esquire.” The mouse looked importantly at Joe. “And you are headed to your doom!”
Thaddeus scampered up to Joe’s ear and told him a tale of such horror that Joe almost fainted from the shock.
“There’s no way. There’s no way. They wouldn’t do that. Would they?” Joe looked at the cramped quarters. They had never been this cramped before. The guys on horses had never worn their hats so low. Their eyes had never been so dark. “What are we going to do?”
“Escape.” Thaddeus whispered. “Get close to the door. Be the first one out. We’ll use surprise to our advantage.”
Joe maneuvered toward the door. “Why are you helping me?”
Thaddeus shrugged his shoulders. “You seem to be the first cow that has had any horse sense.”
The two got to the doors just as the floor stopped moving. The door fell open and Joe charged out, mooing loudly stamping his feet. Thaddeus held on and directed Joe where to go.
The guys that had lowered the door were caught by surprise and chased after the cow. They didn’t think he could get anywhere, but they were supposed to keep tabs on the entire herd.
“Okay, good job.” Thaddeus look ahead. “We’re going to need to use those horns of yours. At the next gate, lower your head and charge through. Here it comes.”
Joe snorted, closed his eyes and charged as hard as he could. CHING! His head hit the gate. He felt it give just a bit, and then it snapped him back and tossed him into a heap. “Ow.” Joe shook his head.
“That didn’t work. Let’s try something else. Hurry before they get here.”
Thaddeus took Joe back to the gate. “Move your horns closer to that thing.” The mouse ran across the horn to the lock on the gate. “Now, hold still.” Thaddeus used the horn’s tip; it popped open. “Let’s go, Joe!”
Joe charged out the gate and into freedom.
“You know how it is with these guys, Joe. They never tell us where we’re going. They just hop on their horses, crack their whips, shout ‘YEEHAAAW,’ and herd us around like they own us.” The two steers got crowded closer together. Carl looked up at the sun high in the sky. “It’s not time to go back to the barn yet, so we must be going to GREENER PASTURES, BABY!” The other cows that were crowding around them now mooed in anticipation of better grass to chew.
“I don’t know, Carl. This feels different. We don’t usually get this crowded when we go to greener pastures…”
“Joe, stop worrying. We’re going to eat like kings.”
Joe could tell that Carl was going into his green pasture food daydream, so he pondered the possibilities on his own. The herd got closer and closer together. They stepped on each other until one or the other gave way. “Hey, Carl,” Joe shouted, “I don’t remember there being any bars when we went to new pastures before.” Then he looked up at the dark gaping hole in front of him. Part of the herd had already disappeared into its maw. “Carl! I don’t like this.”
“Relax, Joe. When was the last time that those guys did something harmful to us?”
Joe thought back to the day of his branding. Thrown down, tied up and having fire applied to his rump was not his idea of something not harmful.
The entire herd was shoved into the dark metal cave. A door was closed behind them, making it that much darker. “Hey, who farted?”
All of the steers snickered.
One steer shouted, “Hey! We are cows – largest source of methane on the planet!”
Joe tried to shake his head but found the quarters too cramped to do anything but breathe and shuffle back and forth a little. There was a loud roar and the ground shook under them. “Carl! What’s going on?”
“I don’t know, Joe.”
There was a general lowing of fear as the ground seemed to move under the herd. “I can tell you what’s going on…”
Joe looked around. “Who said that?”
“I did.” A mouse scurried out from under the hay that lay on the ground.
“Who are you?”
“I, fine sir, am Thaddeus Montgomery Garfield, esquire.” The mouse looked importantly at Joe. “And you are headed to your doom!”
Thaddeus scampered up to Joe’s ear and told him a tale of such horror that Joe almost fainted from the shock.
“There’s no way. There’s no way. They wouldn’t do that. Would they?” Joe looked at the cramped quarters. They had never been this cramped before. The guys on horses had never worn their hats so low. Their eyes had never been so dark. “What are we going to do?”
“Escape.” Thaddeus whispered. “Get close to the door. Be the first one out. We’ll use surprise to our advantage.”
Joe maneuvered toward the door. “Why are you helping me?”
Thaddeus shrugged his shoulders. “You seem to be the first cow that has had any horse sense.”
The two got to the doors just as the floor stopped moving. The door fell open and Joe charged out, mooing loudly stamping his feet. Thaddeus held on and directed Joe where to go.
The guys that had lowered the door were caught by surprise and chased after the cow. They didn’t think he could get anywhere, but they were supposed to keep tabs on the entire herd.
“Okay, good job.” Thaddeus look ahead. “We’re going to need to use those horns of yours. At the next gate, lower your head and charge through. Here it comes.”
Joe snorted, closed his eyes and charged as hard as he could. CHING! His head hit the gate. He felt it give just a bit, and then it snapped him back and tossed him into a heap. “Ow.” Joe shook his head.
“That didn’t work. Let’s try something else. Hurry before they get here.”
Thaddeus took Joe back to the gate. “Move your horns closer to that thing.” The mouse ran across the horn to the lock on the gate. “Now, hold still.” Thaddeus used the horn’s tip; it popped open. “Let’s go, Joe!”
Joe charged out the gate and into freedom.